zonked yak

The ultimate business idea

2006-11-15T03:39:00.000-08:00

It's difficult to get employed when you walk on all fours and smell like a dog's blanket. For this reason I often give thought to entrepreneurial ideas. What is the great idea that would elevate me from Regular Yak to Yak Diddy? How will I be able to afford my ticket on Virgin Galactic?

You see, I've always thought that you need to be selling something that everyone enjoys. So let me begin by using myself as the sample market. Here's a list of some awesome things that make me happy:

I enjoy

Lying in bed all day
Beer
Beautiful women (with whom I can lie in bed)
Holidays (during which I can lie in bed all day)
Fireplaces
Big screens and free fast Wi-Fi connections
Beautiful places
Sport (most, including lying in bed marathons)

It seems to me the answer is obvious. I reckon everyone enjoys most of the abovementioned things. So we should start something that incorporates them all!

A bar (with a view, to include the beautiful places);
with fireplaces and big screens with free Wi-Fi connections;
that is frequented by beautiful women
where you can bring your own bed and plonk it down somewhere for the day.

I shall call it (said with the tone and enunciation of Dr Evil)... B&B&amp;B&B&B! (Bed & babes & beer & bigscreens & burning shit) Now there's a five star rating.

We'd obviously need some kind of bed delivery service, and a stock of Matie First Year Maidens somewhere in a storeroom in case the other babes didn't pitch. By locking them up we can also help prevent them from eating too many pies. This would count as community service, and help us get NGO funding.

Foolproof. Or for fools. Either way, we have a captive market.

Update: Turns out someone already had a bloody similar idea! B.E.D. is one of Miami and America's top-rated nightspots, and serves drinks and food to you in beds with plush pillows! Looks like it would attract some babes too.

2006-11-14T04:12:00.000-08:00

This is not a blog post, but it would work on me

I don't care if you hate Coldplay, check out this ad for CineMax's screening of all 6 Star Wars movies. The lyrics of "Fix You" match up tear-jerkingly to the classic Star Wars moments. I just might have to do a yakky-bakky fest myself on the weekend.

No, seriously, don't you think this would make you go watch it (if you ware a geeky, star wars addicted member of the target market, of course...)

Travel to Machu Piccu on your chair

2006-11-14T02:39:00.000-08:00

Wow. What a terrible heading. What a shocking attempt. But I had to post something. It really frustrates me when I don't get time to post to this site, especially as so many humans are suddenly interested in the thoughts of the yak population. But just because it's cool, and you probably haven't been there, check out this amazing ... hmm, no idea what you call it. It's a sort of Google Earth meets mass collage photography effort of the incredible town of Machu Piccu, hidden in the Andes. The picture I've posted here should give you an idea as to its location. Photographer Scott Howard really takes you there with this incredible effort.

Weekend hapiness - Spiderman 3 trailer

2006-11-10T02:19:00.000-08:00

I'll keep it short, because I know no-one wants to hear what I have to say compared to the utter super-coolosity of this. You actually catch a glimpse of Venom! I might actually say something, but only once my geekgasm subsides.

Politics of the Garden Gnome LIberation Front

2006-11-09T04:40:00.000-08:00

With the US election just about run, the Yak is very disappointed that among all the debates and discussions around the big issues of economics, Iraq (Eye-rack), terrorism, and science, no-one among the elctorate brought argument for the little people. And by this I mean the opressed, the prisoners, the people who can't speak for themselves. Gitmo is one thing, but what about the Garden Gnomes?

For years they have been misunderstood, misrepresented, and often misplaced by drunken students. Finally, people are coming to the fore to stand up for the rights of others. That, after all, is what real democracy is - protecting the rights of minorities.

It is therefore imperative, that no matter where you find yourself, you stand up for the rights of these woodland creatures, and help put an end to the rampant slave trading occuring throughout the world.

For information on how you can become involved, the following sites could be relevant:

Front de Libération des Nains de Jardin (FLNJ) - The international originators of the movement, based in France
Movimento Autonomo per la Liberazione delle Anime da Giardino (MALAG) - AN Italian organisation. More fundamentalist than the others, believing that the gnome's spirits are held captive in porcelain sacofogi, which should be broken to free the spirit.
Freethegnomes.com - A very active American organisation aiming to prevent gnome slave trafficking in the states, and liberate existing captured Gnomes.

Help stop the oppression, slavery, and meaningless use of Gnomes as ornamentation without compensation or consent.

Is Big Bird dead?

2006-11-08T01:46:00.000-08:00

These images (click 'em, they get bigger!) were snapped on the coast of Russia (in Sakhalin, near Japan) by a couple of passers by. It is said that the creature was then taken by the Russian special services for further investigation, and it is as yet, still unidentified.

Just as well we got these pictures, or else we might have never known. The Yak thinks there's no point in being polite, and it's time to let the cat out of the bag: Big Bird is clearly dead.

This thing is not a fish, looking at the bones. It's also not an alligator or reptile - it has skin and hair or feathers. It is time to let the world know that the beloved creature (and the only Sesame Street dude to feature on the cover of Sports Illustrated) has passed away.

We can only speculate as to the cause of this magical creature's death. Evidence collected by the yak however tells an alarming tale:

Someone let the beloved bird go to China to film this documentary! We can only conclude that Bird Flu (more specifically Big bird flu) was the obvious cause of the creature who taught people how to be inquisitive's death.

Our condolences go out to Snuffy, unless of course he really was imaginary, in which case the obvious pun is just too sad to make.

Images apparently via the legendary Englishrussia.com

A lesson from art - everyday fun experiences

2006-11-07T23:10:00.000-08:00

The turbine room in London's Tate Modern is one of the features of the building that has in the past received the most schtick. It's big. Too big, many say, for anything to use the space well. The current installation there has given me more to think about than I could try to write down in a brief post, but I would still like to share the thought with you.

Currently Carsten Höller is the artist who has the massive turbine room space at his disposal. He's made these massive slides:

What's interesting about them is not their use of the space (which isn't bad, I guess), but the stress and fun (or better phrased, "simultaneous delight and anxiety") of both watching people slide, or actually sliding through them. They're popular enough that I had to go back there a second time (mornings are best) just to get a spot on the one from the 5th floor.

Wouldn't it be great if things like these were installed all around towns and cities? What would life be like if we could slide around like that every day? I think it's a bit of a reminder to have some fun (or at the very least give yourself a little scare) every day. Much like the people in the famed London Red Bull headquarters must do with this one below...

So anyway, I slid down the gullet of the dune worm sculpture, ignoring its phallic properties. I felt envigorated. Much like a jog, or a walk in the mountain, but with a better more interesting twist. Someone once said that you should do something every day that scares you. This is a minor version. There are hundreds of carrot-up-the-rump people I know who would probably be a heck of a lot cooler if they had to slide to work every day.

**To slide off the slides in the Modern is free, but to go off the level 3 and 5 slides you need a timed ticket, available in the gallery. They're valid for the time on them, and allow you to slide once. Oh, and no, they don't let you go head first.

**Holler is known for his interactive art, such as Flying Machine that hoisted people through the air and Upside Down Goggles that well, modify vision, shall we say.

How to blog for money?

2006-11-07T22:30:00.000-08:00

I was going to say it's my genius, and gloat. But people in a different time zone clearly like Sudoku. Those 9000 hits were in just nine hours. That's of course what I think is weird. Not the number. That happens every day.

So for those of you writing for money and hits, your energies have been misdirected. Ignore breasts and biceps and bountiful blondes, and shove in some seriously sneaky sudoku, and you're set to sip pina colada's while your adsense revenues pay the mortgage and wash your car.

A gift from the yak population.

Update: Scratch that thought. It turns out people are more interested in big bird:

World's hardest Sudoku puzzle: AL Escargot

2006-11-07T04:18:00.000-08:00

It's times like these that the internet makes me most happy. When respectable online publications publish entertaining and interesting stories about the world's hardest Sudoku puzzle, you'd at least expect them to give you a link to it, or a picture of it. Oh, yes, you guessed it. They don't. But I couldn't find it anywhere! So I undustriously hunted, and eventually found the secret formula hidden away in an ASCII-like tomb of Sudoku knowledge. And now, for the first time in propper format, and luckily without any further ado (read the real reporter's background here), I give you AL Escargot, the hardest rated Sudoku puzzle to date:

Measuring beauty

2006-11-07T03:22:00.000-08:00

This picture is a recent addition to the soft porn that is trickling into my mailbox in honour of the "win a case of beer" contest started last month. Many of the entries are asking how a yak can objectively (or for that matter subjectively) judge the beauty of human competitors. I've given it a bit of thought, and have had to resort to getting scientific:

If we were to judge the beauty of people out of 10 it would be exceedingly difficult without some kind of benchmark. Because we didn't feel like dabbling in the Ugly Things scale, we started at the top. The ultimate in human beauty, of course, was Helen of Troy. So she'd have to, on a scale of 1 to 10, be as close to a 10 as possible. (We also couldn't use high level binary programming for this, because then even she'd be a 2.)

So using the Troy system of calculation, one millihelen would be the ammount of beauty requred to launch ONE ship. A millihelen would equate to roughly 0.0010986 units of natural beauty. A microhelen would be the ammount of beauty required to motivate one sailor.

Err, I hope that answers all your questions. In short, I'll be using this system to allocate points for the one I THINK is the hottest. We take it from there. Ok bye.

The Yak blogs after being possessed by the ghost of right-wing US republican senator

2006-11-06T12:13:00.000-08:00

I leave the internet for a couple of days, and what happens!? After four years of justly convicting Guantanamo prisoners of classified crimes before a fair and impartial kangaroo court of their peers, a power-mad US Supreme Court has ruled that the military tribunals at Gitmo are "illegal" and that the president has to "obey the law." Well this is just the kind of dangerous radicalism that leads to fascism and human rights! What are they going to do with these people, try them in actual courtrooms with lawyers, juries and "evidence"? That way lies madness - or worse, democracy! If the US gives her enemies actual rights they'll turn the deadly power of the justice system against them, smuggling weaponized due process into American cities, crashing the Fifth Amendment into skyscrapers, setting off radiological writs of habeas corpus in Times Square!

And how are we going to fight the terrorists in the first place with our military tied up in bureaucratic red tape like the "Geneva Conventions" and the "Bill of Rights"? We can't give up our right to torture people while the enemy's still torturing people - that's unilateral disarmament in the torture race! We've already got an atrocity gap here, people! Oh sure, we're doing alright with our cutting-edge waterboarding, hypothermia and "beat them to death" programs, but we'll never catch up in this fight if we don't get access to their top secret beheading technology! It's a simple question of action and response. When they blow up a mosque, we massacre a village! When they chop off someone's head, we send someone else off to Uzbekistan to get boiled alive! That's the GWOT way! But none of these vital tools will be at our disposal if we've got activist judges shutting down our Pentagon torture programs and our secret CIA prisons and our crack commando baby-rape squads!

That's why George W. Bush has to take this case to the highester court in the land: the court of George W. Bush. It's a tough bench alright, but Bush can win this one as long as he exercises his constitutional right to ignore the Constitution. The legal technicalities are pretty complicated but I believe it involves filing a writ of la di da di doo da according to the precedent of I Can't Hear You v. I'm Not Listening. Only then can the forces of freedom protect America from the hordes of Democrofascists that would menace her with their savage civil liberties!

God bless America.

Charlize Theron wants you to masturbate, and Johnson & Johnson recommend death

2006-11-03T03:37:00.000-08:00

I'm confused. Again. You humans are weird. Please, someone, anyone, tell me how this advert is supposed to encourage abstinence:

Maybe Charlize wants all hot-blooded teens to furiously masturbate themselves half to death, thus losing any urge they might have had to hump pre-maritally.
Maybe we're supposed to realize that Charlize's legs don't fit into the ideal ratio of 1.55 thigh to 1 calf (as some yak with too much time on his hands discovered here), and if you abstain, you might find the PERFECT woman
Err, emm, aw stuff it, can't think of any. But I certainly won't be going to the teens-4-christ website if I really wanted to abstain, just in case they throw another couple of half-naked legs-spread randy-looking porno pics of gorgeous women at me.

While we're on abstention, prophylactics have come to the blogging world recently, with the launch of South Africa's new easy-to-pop-on condom brand pronto. Not to be outdone, Johnson & Johnson have revealed the secret to their female contaceptive patch, Ortho Evra: it kills you, thereby completely reducing the risk of pregancy. Now why didn't we think of that...

Win a Case of Cobra Beer - The entries start coming in

2006-11-02T07:22:00.000-08:00

Ok, so it's been winter. And because of that, I'll forgive you. Even the yak ladies (dri or nak) have grown some ultra-thick fur over the winter. But as my inbox reveals, the stalkers are out! It's time to behave like paparazzi, and snap some pictures of sexy people for a free case of beer!

Just to inspire you, here are some of the leaders so far:

An exceptional sample. And so incredibly seedy. Snapping a woman like that. So unasuming. So naive. So goddam sexy. Not even from the front, but definitely a frontrunner!

Some dude even got his girlfriend to pose for this one by the looks of it... "Honey, it's fine, no-one's going to see it. No, it's just for me to look at when I miss you..." Well, him and the rest of humanity searching for HOT BABE BIKINI TITS ASS FACIAL. Well, now, anyway... (Sorry J.)

And of course, my personal favourite:
What? Yes, I know. But I like mine hairy. Really. They look ridiculous shaved.

Told you so: Cape Town 2010 stadium to be built on Golf Course

2006-11-02T01:17:00.000-08:00

If there's one thing us Yaks dig, it's gloating. And what better opportunity than the front page of yesterday's Cape Times, which in large, terrifying letters points out the horrible revelation that Cape Town's 2010 Soccer "World Cup Stadium to be built on golf course"!

If only the reporters of this illustrious and well-respected paper kept up with their Zonked Yak reading (dated 26 September)they would have known this a long time ago. (Plus they would have been able to make R2.5 Billion, but that's a different point altogether...)

Not the first time the bloggers have beaten the papers by months...

Nelson Mandela Wins Top Human Rights Award... or does he? Amnesty BOO BOO

2006-11-02T01:03:00.000-08:00

They tell us the Amnesty International Ambassador of Conscience Award is a big deal. They would let you believe that it is "their most prestigious honour". It's in all the world's newspapers, so it must be quite important. You'd think then, that the high profile people in charge of choosing and awarding this wonderful honour WOULD SPELL THE RECIPIENT'S FUCKING NAME RIGHT!

Please, behold this beautiful image of Nelson Mandela with his award, as kindly donated to the Yak by REUTERS:

Happy Madiba with his namesake's award

Ok, so it's subtle, but it's still bloody WRONG!

The former South African president's name is Nelson Rolihlahla Mandela, NOT Rolihlalha. Big deal, you say. But you tell me how great you feel every time you get a certificate with someone else's name on it, or they leave out the umlaut on your u...

We feel your pain Madiba. And now we share in it.

The problem with blogging. Yak freelance.

2006-10-06T04:39:00.000-07:00

Hey. I've figured it out. The problem with blogging.

It's that you have to blog. Now being a yak is my full time occupation, and that can get in the way. Sometimes when the snowy season starts, I have to forage. Sometimes I have to tend to the randier yak ladies in their times of need. My tribe needs me (only humans and dolphins mate for pleasure, remember).

So while I wanted this to be a fun site to share some of the stranger thoughts that go through my un-human head (if only to lay the claim that I possess the world's oldest hamburger), it's not possible for me to update as regularly as I would like to. That sucks. And as a result of that, I think the site sucks.

Anyway, if you feel like having a yak guest blogger on your site, let me know and I'll happily take on a team effort. Otherwise, it could be a while.

X.

Exciting times! The world's oldest hamburger?

2006-10-04T06:41:00.000-07:00

Things are getting too exciting here for the Yak to handle!

Firstly, and definitely most importantly, we have thus far found no links/information to dispute the fact that we are possibly in possession of the WORLD'S OLDEST (MCDONALDS) HAMBURGER! (really, see post here)

Glory awaits the burger?

The question, of course, becomes what to do about it! We'll be approaching Guinness in order to attempt to verify our claim, but we have no idea how far hamburger ageing technology has advanced over the years. Will they take our words for it? (Billy's Mom never lies)

If you have any information relating to dating things or the age of old burgers, or of course, if you just feel like winning a case of beer, contact us asap!!!

Then, just to make our day, and on the verge of us announcing the winner of the best abs in the world segment of our investigation into what the internet man thinks is hot in his woman, (wow, take breath in long sentence here) we get mailed our first entry into the COBRA win a case of beer contest! The yak loves you all for making his day. But above all, the yak loves the burger.

Win a case of Cobra Beer!

2006-10-04T04:38:00.000-07:00

Yes, you read right. Free beer! (But in order to claim your beer, you have to do two things:)

1. Take a picture of someone hot. Send it to the yak. We don't mind if you're a stalker, a creep, or just keen for beer. Hottest goes to the top of the pile.

2.The top ten people who stalked the ten hottest individuals (sick, sick people) will then get the opportunity to submit ideas for the NEXT win a case of beer competition. Best idea gets the case.

It's that simple. Now start stalking! Then, once again for clarity, mail your pictures here.

Oh, I suppose you're all looking for some inspiration. Ok, we either want them looking like this:

Or, if you really must, something like this would do just fine too:
Ok, what are you waiting for? Your beer awaits.

Working yak, some vaguely interesting economics links

2006-10-03T08:43:00.000-07:00

Ok, so besides being a celerity blogger, I too have to earn a living. I therefore have nothing but work-related goeters to offer you. Here are some I thought might be interesting to the general public:

Two economists have studied traffic violations at the UN. This is very boring, until you realize that diplomats are not fined for their traffic violations, being, as such, above the law. While corruption is hard to define, it comes across as a clear indicator both of cultural difference and the corruption of government. Kuwait tops the list with 246(!) violations per diplomat. South Africa clocks in at 34, and nice developed countries such as Canada, Sweden, Isreal, Norway and Denmark all have none. See the full paper here

In South Africa the debate regarding minimum wage as a tool to alleviate poverty is always a big one. David Neumark is a prominent critic of the minimum wage. Read his latest study here, and never be left in the dark when would-be intellectuals try to take you on at the dinner table.

Ok, that's all for now. Must go make millions. Sorry for being boring.

The oldest McDonald's burger alive today? (Or the story of the burger who thought he could)

2006-10-02T03:39:00.000-07:00

This wonderful piece of photography not only shows off how the marketers and engineers at Sony still can't design camera's for individuals with hooves, but what you see before you is a miracle of modern-day food engineering. This McDonalds' cheeseburger is more than 5 years old!

No, really. It belongs to a friend of the yak, who like all good birthday boys felt the urge to indulge in culinary delicacy in the early hours of his birthmorn. The incredible desire to sleep overwhelmed him, and he forgot about (some of) his burgers. The following morning, he did what all good students do, and scoffed the lot. But one remained hidden in the uncharted recesses of his bedroom. Only to be discovered by our underpaid and abused slave Doris in the week.

What else do you do with such a discovery but give it a place of honour. And so, it was given a small shrine, and still exists. And it's fine. Just a bit crunchy. But I doubt there's anything wrong with it that a microwave and a bit of tabasco can't fix.

Yummy.

Of course, the option of putting it up on E-bay and having Goldenpalace.com buy it for gazillions has crossed our minds. But some things are bigger than money. Bigger than the fame, and the prestige. Plus, having it around has kinda helped the waistline. Magical properties, I tells ya.

If you read something today, make it this

2006-09-28T03:57:00.000-07:00

A history of Cape town unlike any you've read before. Respek.

Creating the ultimate woman PART TWO, THE STOMACH

2006-09-28T03:24:00.000-07:00

Today, the yak will come even closer to understanding mankind, as we bring you the results of the second part of our investigation into creating the ultimate human female.

Using only the most scientific yak methods we intend to find out what it is that you humans like in your women. Thus far we had success using the top 50 results for varying Google searches to determine our sample from which to deduce what it was that society found sexy.

(See our entry on legs here, with the winner of the best legs here)

Hunting for the perfect stomach has proved much more elusive than finding the perfect legs. Google searches reveal very little in the way of lists of schlebs with sexy stomachs and hot abs. There were some results, but nothing to give us a real hint of what public opinion determines to be the sexiest stomach in the world. We still used internet searches to determine popularity, but this time had to deal with a data pool of over 700 women, mostly unknown.

Our hypothesys therefore was simple. We started with the male god of women, Hef:

1. The waist, and it's relation to the hips

A study of recent Playboy Playmates of the month reveals some details about women that men consider sexy: they have an average waist of 23 inches, average hips of 32 inches, and therefore a hips to waist ration of 1.33:1. And no, no boobies yet.

Looking at the abs of a standard playmate (yes, they do actually all look alike), some definition is revealed, particularly on the sides of the stomach. Most playmates have some definition, be it on the sides or a more defined line down the middle of the stomach. This is also their only means of communication.

2. Fat percentage

Sexy stomachs are quite defined, but the web reveals that men like their woman to look shapely rather than ripped. This image, for example, illustrates a fantastic set of abdominals, but falls short of being sexy to most men:

A fat percentage (strangely akin to that of our previous study of sexy female legs) of between 16 and 23 percent is deemed to be within the sexy range. Anything less is just scary, anything more can be improved.

3. The ribs

Ribs can be prominent regardless of fat levels, and often make an appearnce on sexy pics. While too much rib falls in the same category as the ripped women, a nice showing of ribs is not necesaarily offputting:

A fine balance beteen skininess and muscularity seems to be your ideal, which should result in the beach babe bod which is the favourite fantasy:

4. General observations

Tatoos are ok, but not necessarily desirable. They deract from the finer details of a good set of abs.
Belly rings make regular appearances, and occur in 50% of the women men seem to think are sexy.
Pregnancy makes little or no difference to the stomach's potential to be rated sexy again

In honour of our generous sponsors, we'll build incredible tension, and reveal the winner with our next installment!

Perfumes and the Diddy Dawg

2006-09-27T02:46:00.000-07:00

For the record, I don't wear cologne. I have a rich, natural musk that attracts females and scares away flies. I do however, believe it or not, know someone in the fragrance industry. Ok, so she works behind the perfume counter in Edgars, but she's an expert. And always trying to get me to smell like some abstract concept: Truth. Be. Eternity. (No really, and those are just the ones by CK.)

So, anyway, yesterday I came across a new bottle on the shelves, one by none other than America's Sean (John, Puffy, P. Diddy, Diddy) Combs. I spray the testers on myself so my musk doesn't scare people at the coffee shop.

Now the Diddy's latest offering (and the number one seller in the US!) is called Unforgivable. Like the Diddy, it's aggressive, black, and covered in gold:
The beauty of the product, however, is it's slogan.

"Living life without passion is UNFORGIVABLE"

I almost feel like saying that again.

Are you telling me this escaped the million dollar executives who must have been in charge of the advertising campaign? Is Diddy so vain that he came up with it himself and every copywriter in the building was too scared to point out the obvious to him? Your product IS living life without passion!? Wow.

Next time, I'll just rather have CK have me smell like immortality. Or maybe bestiality.

Creating the ultimate woman, WINNER, PART ONE: THE BEST LEGS IN THE WORLD

2006-09-27T02:19:00.000-07:00

Our hunt to construct the ultimate human female is going places!

Following our own hypothesis set out yesterday we have found the woman with the best legs in the world. These legs adhere to all the rules and ratio's we found that men desire, and in addition, we could find enough photographic angles and images of this particular set of legs to maybe possibly perhaps one day be able to splice them on to the other body parts we will find later in this investigation, and photoshop the perfect woman.

But so, without further ado, the best legs in the world belong to (no surprises here) JESSICA SIMPSON:

Not bad. Not bad at all. Our insights into the male mind continue to grow. Next, we examine

the stomach!

Creating the ultimate human female

2006-09-26T06:27:00.000-07:00

Make no mistake, us yaks find human women attractive. Especially those with a decent ammount of body hair.

The internet has however given us access to unlimited hotness, and pictures of things of great beauty. As an ongoing project in order to determine what it is that men find sexy, we have decided to partake in a little unscientific experimentation, to attempt to judge what it is that men find attractive in women. To make this process more fun, we'll take it body part by body part, and eventually hopefully be able to create the perfect female form.

So without further ado, let's hop to it. Join us, as we examine just what it is that men seem to like about

THE LEGS

Part one of constructing the ultimate woman. It starts. (Insert manic laughter here)

Because our opinion doesn't really count, and we want this to be a popular consensus, our method entailed a couple of Google searches for things such as "best legs" and "sexiest legs" etc. If you do one of them yourself you'll see the results are massive. Only looking at the top 50 (not too horribly frighteningly pornographic) results, and using only the top 10 of each link, we managed to get a population sample from which to draw our legs.

As a diversion, we found a lovely article (http://www.ezilon.com/information/article_10874.shtml) on "How to get sexy legs in just three steps". It's amazing how easy it is! The three amazing steps are

Tone your legs
Wax your legs
Flaunt your smooth, well toned legs

As easy as that. Amazing. I bet the author Janice Wee gets paid ten times the annual GDP of South Africa as well.

And with that on to the construction of our ultimate woman...

Oggling images of sexy legs is easy (very easy). Surprisingly, analysing them was just as easy. We have found the following relations in our results, which applied universally to ALL the hottest women/leg pairings, and will illustrate by way of example, using the rather fantastic legs of random spotting Chrissa Boyle:

(yes, you can click on her for a larger image)

We found the following rules apply universally to all the hot legs on the net, from Maria Sharapova to Nicole Kidman.

1. Length of legs in relation to length of body

The subjects (objects) all had an upper body length to leg length ratio of 1.1 to 1. We honestly have no idea what this means, but it does seem to indicate that women with legs up to their armpits generally have shapeless carrot legs.

2. Calf width in relation to ankle width

The women humans regard as having sexy hot gorgeous legs all have somewhat muscular calves. While the definition varies, and the muscularity varies largely, all the subjects have a calf to ankle ratio of 3 to 1!

3. Thigh width in relation to calf width

Babely legs have a thigh that is 1.55 times the width of the calf in cross section. This taken along with the observed sexiness of more muscular calves, makes the preferance for somewhat defined and muscular legs, rather than boney ones.

4. Other observations

We tried and tested many other measurements and relation, but none of them revealed any common ground in the legs of the sample population. The following observations are however pertinent:

Judging by the average build, as well as numerous images studied of naked and half naked pictures of these women (all in the interests of science), a fat percentage of between 16 and 26% is present in women with truly hot legs.
"The Gap" between the legs up top does not seem to be considered sexy. If there is one, it should be slight, and not create the appearance of having ridden a horse since birth.
Scars on the knees are not a bad thing. 67% of our sample population had some visible scarring on the knees.

So the science is complete, now who fits the profile...

Some examples...

While Sharon Stone topped a poll (http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/english/doc/2004-09/01/content_370762.htm) to determine the sexiest leg moment is cinema history, we put that down to the fact that she showed some fur. Her calves are undefined by international standards, and miss out on the 3 to 1 ratio.

Ana Hickman had to be counted in, especially as she supposedly has the guiness record for the model with the longest legs. When it came to the measurements she both had a big gap between her things, and showed serious lack of calf and thigh definition, missing both our cuts (and of course, the 1.1:1 length ratio).

The hunt has been long and hard. A couple celebrities made the original cut, but lost points either because they don't have enough material on the web, or slight flaws in definition and tan levels.

In the interests of doing thorough research, and of course to keep our sponsors happy,

the winner will be revealed in our next installment, as we move up from the legs...

How to make R2.5 billion. Solving South Africa's world cup woes.

2006-09-26T04:24:00.000-07:00

South Africa is hosting the Soccer World Cup in 2010. This phrase is not news to anyone who hasn't been spending the past year in a coal mine on the far side of the galaxy (or isn't American), but does somehow provide the locals with a slight case of heeby-jeebies. What gets more fascinating by the day is the rush and shambles to construct or renovate the massive stadii that need to play host to the spectacle that billions around the world watch (or hope to watch, we should almost fearfully say). It's impossible to put a price tag on these renovations, it seems, as newspapers around the country continually quote varying figures (and venues!) for the world cup showhouses. Where on earth this money is to come from, is always an interesting debate. Us yaks decided to contribute, by coming up with a way for the South African government to make R2.5 Billion.

Now, bear with me. I use my coins to pay car guards (an interesting, and brilliantly South African phenomenon, generally looked upon as philanthropy on the part of most wit mense). But the going rate for even these sometime useful, generally discomforting services is now a lot higher than a mere copper (nickel, bronze, whatever) coin. And it probably goes up as you jump tax brackets, and your conscience can't let you get away with having buffalo leather seats and not afford to give a dude who's clearly not at the top of the happiness (read: money) pile a buck or two.

This brings me to the smaller denominations. Those that even car guards shun. What, for example, can we do with one cent coins? They are too small to even find on the floor when you drop them (and certainly not worth the time to retrieve). They are NEVER used as legal tender, partly because if you do have them they hibernate to the far corners of wallets and pockets where they make molecular bonds with the material and are impossible to retrieve, and partly because nothing ever costs R2.01. So why bother. Even the mint hasn't minted one of the things since 2002. The yak's proposal: Abolish the things! Now here's why:

In the US, the National Association of Convenience Stores has estimated that handling pennies (one cent coins) adds on average 2.5 to 3 seconds to the time of a cash transaction. Now, the yak has proven himself inept mathematically on the very pages of this internationally acclaimed site, but that's useful information. If we assume everyone makes one such transaction on average a day (excluding Sandtonites from the mean because they are just ridiculous) the average South African presently earns around R36 000 per annum, or 0.5 cents per second. Stuffing around with one cent coins therefore costs you R5.48 per annum. Multiply that by the national population, and you get just over R2.5 Billion.

Once again, a pleasure.

Oh, and to all of you in Cape Town wondering just what on earth is happening with the stadium, and where it is going to be built, the Yak heard first hand last night from one of the contractors that the stadium WILL be built on the premises of the metropolitan Golf Club. Yep, no Greenpoint renovation, no Newlands do-up, and no more Met. Apparently the golf club will be given new land. Use it, don't use it.

Ching chong cha to millions

2006-09-20T06:29:00.000-07:00

Last year, a Japanese company made Sotheby's and Christie's play paper, rock, scissors to determine who would get to auction off their gazzilions of dollars worth of paintings. Christie's got some help in from some teeny boppers, and won, correctly assuming that Sotheby's would not go for the more obvious "rock".

They should, in retrospect, probably have visited the website of the World Rock Paper Scissors Society, home of the World RPS championships, and also a project of the authors of this very handy RPS strategy guide!

Lotta pot. Zonked Nelson. Rich Nelson.

2006-09-20T05:16:00.000-07:00

It's not news to anyone that Willie Nelson recently got arrested for possession of Marijuana and magic mushrooms (the same ones that make you see Gnomes!)

What pokes at the yak's interest gland (yes, we have those) is that he was arrested with 1.5 POUNDS of the vitamin green. That's almost three and a half kilo's!!! What would you do with that much weed? And what would it cost?

Hmm... dreadlocked yak confirms that anyone who recently put a marijuana leaf on the cover of their CD would definitely not smoke anything but chronic. And in Yakville, you're not laying your hands on good chron for less than R100 per gram. That means Nelson must've probably got a bulk discount on his purchase of R33 000.00! Not the kind of purchase you make from the Rasta in the mountain.

(ok, for completeness sake, dreadlocked yak insists we include the two other options in Yakville. If it was a nice hydroponic swazi, I'm led to believe it would have set him back a total of only R3300, and the local car guards could have filled his 3.3 kilo suitcase with Tarries and seeds for about R1000. But that's all hypothetical.)

What could you buy for that... a segway?

Update: And as you've all realised (Thanks Chiz), yaks are not very good at addition. At all. But you get the point. Sorta. Maybe.

Not perfect, we know

2006-09-20T04:08:00.000-07:00

We needed something to make the site more zooty, more zany, more hip, cool and trendy... Well, that, and we really just needed something a bit more Zonked.

The yak isn't mad about it. But it's a start. Hope you like the yaklings anyway...

Go ahead, move your mouse over the yak's balls above. You know you want to.

And more technically adept yaks have been recruited to attempt to get the comments back up!

The story to end all stories. College antics come to an end.

2006-09-19T04:35:00.000-07:00

This story could upset sensitive readers, and is rated PG.

You know the story. The one where you got trashed and stole something that belonged to the US government, and were only saved because your best friend happened to have wingmanned a US senator that night. Substitute any of the words in bold, and your great story is sumarised above. Or maybe not. It no longer matters. Never again will any story be cool. Someone has gone and done it. They have ruined our juvenile lives, and our attempts at one-upmanship.

And the best bit is, this story has been confirmed 100% true. No names, just in case the FBI is monitoring.

A South African (a Stellenbosch boy) is living in a cottage in the midlands of the UK with a mate, two Ausies and a Kiwi. They decided that it was high time they tried Schrooms. Being rookies at the drug game, they bought in the region of 15 grams one Sunday.

The aforementioned rabble live about 5K's out of town, but it's a nice Suday, and they decide to walk to town to shop for a braai. Hungover Kiwi remains behind on the couch.

When the shopping party return, they notice that the shrooms are almost all gone. At first they are angry, but then curiosity gets the better of them. They find the Kiwi on the couch. This is the hypothetical conversation that ensued:

"Err.. (Insert random Kiwi name here)... did you chow the schrooms?"

"Jip"

"Well? ... How do you feel?!"

"Chilled. Fine. Relaxed."

"Emm, when did you munch them?"

"Just after you guys left."

"AND? ...I mean, what happened? What did you do?!"

"Oh, I went to the park."

"Ja... and did you feel anything?"

"Not really... Oh, but THERE WERE GNOMES!"

"Gnomes..."

"Yes. Oh, AND I CAUGHT ONE!"

"....!"

"IT'S UPSTAIRS..."

Before you can say "holy mother of all things ridiculous" they boys have run upstairs. Here they are confronted by a cupboard that has been jammed shut by having a hockey stick rammed into the handles.

And inside, they suddenly hear a loud THUD!.... And again!

Now when confronted with such a situation, precautions should possibly be taken. Have they lied to us again? Is this one of those Santa scenarios, where we only get to find out that there are gnomes on our 30th birthdays? Is it dangerous?!

20 Minutes later, they decide democratically to open the cupboard.

Inside, they find...

A laundry bag. With something angry and jumping inside!

Unable to take it anymore, they open the bag.

And find...

...

...

....

A DOWN SYNDROME CHILD!

I can't take it. It's too sad, too frightening, too damn funny, too damn emotional, too scary, too weird. It wins. Hands down.

Anyway, they took it to the police station. ("Hi there, we found THIS in the park...")

Confirmed true. Insane.

Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo

2006-09-18T09:00:00.000-07:00

"Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo". A complete and gramatically correct sentence in the English language. (seriously)

All I'm really reminded of are the thoughts that come to mind whenever our beloved minister of health opens her mouth:

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

Ooh, the ghost of apartheid! Still makes the spine tingle.

2006-09-16T05:08:00.000-07:00

Plettenberg Bay is a pretty place. See for yourself. (Turn eyes to left, examine image. Sigh. Then realize that that sort of view will set you back a minimum of about R6 Million. Sigh again.)

The impression that Sandtonites just covered the whole place in razor wire to keep the undesirables out from November to January, is however not all that far off. During those times, the place is pretty much an SUV bunfight - grab your iPod and head for Woolies, it's every St. John's boy for himself!

So not everyone's idea of paradise. But what if (South Africa being a liberal, democratic, rainbow-coloured, constitution-governed nation) you decided that this was a place you would like to own property - this is a view you would like to sip single malt to. You would imagine that you could then splurge the GDP of Eritrea, and purchase your own bit of yup heaven. (Incidentally it's actually no longer the thing in Jo'burg to go to Plett in December. Now the ultimate in cool is to have a mansion in Plett, and NOT go.)

Ok, so I'm getting sidetracked. But the point is this: I have here an excerpt from a title deed of a Plettenberg Bay property:

You will note how the relevant clause sixteen bans all darkies, coloureds, brownies, honkies and anything vaguely related to Africa or Asia from owning, renting, or generally coming within a ten kilometer range of the property. The ghost of apartheid, rearing a distinctly black-and-white head...

Wow. What a strange place that world was.

Yak well hung. And the theory of perpetual motion. Also a solution to ESCOM's woes. And how UFO's work. Wow.

2006-09-14T09:14:00.000-07:00

The nice thing about being a yak is that you're always on holiday. When I was growing up I thought to myself that I want a job where people pay me just to be me. So I became a yak. We're protected. You should really try it. It's not as lucrative as other options (cows in Germany, for example, earn 3 Euro's a day, just for being cows. Gotta love state agriculture subsidies), but the more well paid animal jobs tend to end you up slaughtered. Or at the very least violated (imagine being milked daily). Plus not good for the family unit.

One of the down sides of being on a permanent holiday is that you can't permanently make good and viable excuses to avoid drinking. This often results in friends' waking you up in the morning with a tequila, to help you avoid the onset of hangovers. It was such a day yesterday. But without it, we would never have managed to discover just how it is that ufo's work.

Oh, and now you know what this cat to the left is about. It relies simply on a number of facts and theories:

Fact 1: Cats always land on their feet.
Fact 2: A buttered piece of toast always lands buttered side down (this is scientifically backed up by Murphy's Law)

Therefore strapping a buttered piece of toast to a cat's back, buttered side up, would cause an interesting reaction if this cat-projectile was thrown for example, out of a window. The cat would fall, and level out above the ground, and then start rotating. This is the ultimate energy source. Of course, when the cat dies, you'd have to replace it with a new one. (Or, of course, the option of putting the cat in a box comes to mind, as Schrodinger would have us believe, the cat can therefore not die)

The question, of course arises, if the toast is necessary. Buttered crackers, for example, would work just as well. It is therefore hypothetically possibly that in mass production you would simply only have to butter the cat.

Anyway, it is apparent that in order to reach some kind of equilibrium, the cat and toast will not fall. This must be how UFO's stay afloat.

It's a pleasure.

The aliminium mind-control deflector beanie!

2006-09-12T06:39:00.000-07:00

The two things that continually amaze us yaks about humans are your intelligence, and your ability to use it to innovate and think. But that's no fun. We much prefer it when you completely lose the plot.

Research done under scientific conditions at MIT (by legend students who know how to properly spend their time) claims that tin foil helmets do not help prevent evil genii (Or, as some claim, the the US government) from controlling our (human?) minds.

As in any good scientific debate, there are those who disagree.

This particular yak will have to side with the MIT dudes, mainly because of their institution's contribution to furthering the use of the term "Yak shaving".

The ultimate South African blogging scenario. Injokes, aplenty.

2006-09-12T03:14:00.000-07:00

Yaks don't come from South Africa. Only the Himalayan Tahr made it that far (and only through a daring escape and much gorilla warfare tactics have they managed to survive). It is however the country where for legal and tax reasons we had to base our servers. So we have a relationship - we bribe members of parliament to let us keep it there.

Because of this, we have people on the inside checking out the South African blogosphere. We need the insight into the minds of the local human blogreading population. (That, and mainly, we want to see how many hits everyone else seems to be getting. This is partly an exercise in vanity, after all.)

The yak wanted to post something insightful, something meaningful, something that would make you laugh, and cry, and change your life. But having come to the conclusion that there are many other people out there who read and visit all these other South African blogs, we have decided to make their day, and pray for their ultimate newsworthy scenario to occur. This is how we imagine their ultimate blog post:

aquilaonline: I took this picture of this sexy celebrity's vanity plate with my new top of the range digital camera while driving in my new Volvo (while caught in traffic).

2Oceansvibe: While drinking cocktails on the balcony of a mansion overlooking the atlantic, I snapped this video with my new miniature cellphone-cum-15mm camera-cum-spaceship. Behold as I capture Paris Hilton having sex with the TBG in a restaurant I reviewed yesterday while in Spain, my angels.

Impersonation failure: INTEL, SCO patent TCP/IP and Ubuntu source, sue ATI, EA. Microsoft responsible somehow. Download open source snippets of stuff we wrote to cure all that here.

Jo'blog: At a recent (unbelievably successful) mass presentation for all of the world's media we witnessed the best new slash punk metal rock band and ended up in the pit with them! Here are pictures of their tattoos of us, as drawn by us. *Insert random insightful marketing comment here*

Chumpstyle: Here are some naked pictures of us getting drunk on a golf course with Jessica Alba, Kate Beckinsale, and every Playboy playmate since 1980. Here are the pictures of them hitting a giant bong and then (surprisingly tastefully) vomiting on this funny looking dude.

Cherryflava: In a mass marketing move Apple, Samsung, Levi's, Glenmorangie and Coca-Cola all combine to produce the ultimate phone/mp3 player/shirt/tasty beverage. Now available in green!

Apologies for leaving out a vast number of them. And those whose writers have moved to London. You can count yourselves honorary yaks. For today.

9/11 - The Bush administration fucks the bus

2006-09-11T06:59:00.000-07:00

Five years down the line, most of us have an opinion on George Bush's reaction to the terrible attacks of 9/11. Most of us don't care. But the yak is a pacifist, and on a day when the world's most powerful nation collectively mourns and relives the memory of the horrible mass devastation of the September attacks, I can't help but think just how badly Bush has buggered up.

Now I accept that the voice of a lone yak is hardly powerful. But uniting the million-odd readers of this site in protest must count for something. Besides, as minorities, yak's have a more powerful voice than most. And if Arnie succeeds, maybe one day a yak will be able to stand for US president.

But it's not just the yaks that are unhappy, with a glance around the more respectable publications of the world confirming the world's summaries of just how badly Bush has gotten it wrong. The Spanish El Pais sums it up succinctly when they say that "The result, five years after, is a more dangerous world".

Yak's aren't the brightest, but we like justifications to make sense. To us, it seems, George's "War on terror" has managed to escalate the position. When he's done, no-one will feel safe. The British Press are also no longer on the bandwagon, with the Times going as far as saying that "the way the Bush administration has trampled on the international rule of law and Geneva conventions, while abrogating civil liberties and expanding executive power at home, has done huge damage not only to America's reputation but, more broadly, to the attractive power of Western values".

We mourn for the devastation, and the victims of this day, but more so we mourn for the terror that Dubya has managed to grow, groom, and give direction to.

The science of yesteryear aka more conclusive proof that people from Florida are loony.

2006-09-08T03:32:00.000-07:00

Popular Science - No 4, 1940

"Fair Floridians who fear freckles have adopted the odd hooded cape pictured in the photograph below, taken at an Atlantic beach resort. Made of a polka-dot print fabric, the freckleproof cape has an attached hood equipped with built-in sun glasses to further protect the wearer from the effects of strong sunlight."

We can but assume that freckles on the legs were considered ok.

I suppose you can't fault them on effectiveness... the yak reckons it would work. Watch out for one gracing the beches of Clifton this coming season!

Statistics made real - death as candy

2006-09-08T03:09:00.000-07:00

The yak realizes that most of the known world are not geeks like he is. Therefore most people are not fascinated by statistics (or economics, the territory where the yak likes to roam). But when statistics are made real, as in this exhibition, they become a bit more cool.

An art installation that represents the casualties in news reports as an ever-increasing random constellation of bright yellow sweeities.... a computer program continuously scans the headlines of 4,500 English-language news sources around the world, looking for people who have been reported killed. the algorithm determines the number of deaths, & instructs a specially designed ceiling-mounted mechanism built with Lego NXT parts to drop one yellow BB per person. as a result, BBs will accumulate on the floor, ultimately forming a sort of aesthetic monument.

Cool.

The Lonely Planet thinks we're all on drugs

2006-09-06T03:46:00.000-07:00

The yak is a fan of lonely planet guidebooks. More so of their phrasebooks. They can literally help you have an entire conversation with a weird painted tribesman verbatim from the book. Sometimes, however, I'm amazed at some of the phrases they think we're likely to want to use. These are some of my favourites:

Hindi:

Is there compulsory voting here?
Kya: sabhi: logõ ko vot dena: parta: hai?

I believe in destiny/fate.
Mai~ bha:gyava:di: hu:~.

Then our faithful guides hit a bong or two, and return with these choice phrases in Vietnamese:

What is your monthly salary?
wôl-gûp-i ôl-ma-im-ni-kka?

Who lived here?
nu-ga sal-ass-jûm-ni-kka?

And of course, every steroid/heroin/crack junkie's favourite phrase, particularly handy:

Indonesian:

I have my own syringe.
Saya punya suntikan saya sendiri.

What more can I say. Geniet die dag, jou ma naai vir viskoppe.

Sharing the happy - Part 1a - Advertising

2006-09-05T12:18:00.000-07:00

Some things just provide us with happy. It would be wrong of the yak not to share his happy with the world. Who knows, it might just make you grin, and you just might share it, and soon everyone would be running around, happy, and taking their clothes off, and giggling madly while spanking... err... sorry... but you know what I mean.

This series of ads for the VW golf V must be of the best ever. Not only does it feature a sexy, perky, busty german blonde, but the always fun acting talents of Peter "Abruzzi" Stormare have never failed to delight the yak.
Enjoy:

Unpimping ze auto

And just when you thought it was just one brief leetle moment of happy, the cool ad turns into an brilliant series of ads! You know you have to:

Part 2 - unpimp my ride

Part 3 - unpimp my ride

And that, is what the yak likes to call sharing the happy.

Yakkidy yak

2006-09-05T06:34:00.000-07:00

Hello. I'll try to neaten up. But Yak's are notoriously filthy. And unkept. And spit. Which is what this is all about. Being horribly, revoltingly, and sometimes hairily honest with myself. Someone has to say it....

Like most people, I've had enough of the herbalising arty-farty airy-fairy earth-mother soy bean set types who try to persuade people they shouldn't be on Cipramil or any other serotonin reuptake inhibitors because they'll suck out their souls or clog their chakras or desiccate their chi or use up all their happy or whatever the hell it is. It's one thing to dance naked around a fire of a Friday night with ivy in one's hair and menstrual blood painted on one's toenails, but it's quite another to naysay decades of medical science.

I've had enough of them, of our 4x4 key toting, mansion inhabiting, criminal minded ruling class; the idiots who get to run businesses, spend shareholder money on flat complexes full of taiwanese prostitutes, and then lecture us on ethics; heck, I've had enough of all of you. So don't read this. I'm not a nice person.

You get the point.

Oh, and hello. Welcome. Now go do something meaningfull with your time.